By Abby Feinstein, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at Ancora Wellness, Hillsboro, Oregon
(Offering therapy for individuals and couples navigating chronic pain, disability, and chronic illness — in Hillsboro and virtually across Oregon.)
Let’s be honest: dating is awkward enough when everything’s going “smoothly.” Add a disability or chronic illness, and suddenly you’re juggling not only whether to split the check but also whether your date needs to know what to do if you have a seizure before dessert.
Welcome to dating while disabled — it’s equal parts adventure, vulnerability, and mastering the art of saying “I swear, it’s not you, it’s my autonomic nervous system.”
I live with epilepsy, which means my brain occasionally throws its own strobe-light party without asking me first. Over time, I’ve learned that my experiences navigating dating, love, and partnership with a disability have made me both a more self-aware human and a better therapist. So, let’s talk about what it’s like — and how to date well, even when your body writes its own rules.
1. The Disclosure Dance: When, How, and Why
One of the trickiest parts of dating with a disability or chronic illness is deciding when (and how) to disclose it. Too early, and you risk feeling like you’re leading with your medical chart; too late, and it can feel like you were hiding something.
We live in a culture that both expects and misunderstands disclosure. There’s this unspoken rule that you owe people an explanation for your difference — while simultaneously being warned not to “overshare.” It’s exhausting.
For me, disclosure is about safety and connection, not permission. I have grand mal seizures, which can be terrifying for the people around me. In my case, I choose to disclose early on so that people in my life know what to expect. And I’ve gotten all sorts of different reactions from people — from genuine curiosity and care, to the uncomfortable “wow, that sounds scary” shuffle.
The truth is, disclosure is an act of vulnerability. You can’t control someone’s reaction — but you can control your own tone and boundaries.
Here’s a communication framework I often share with clients (and use myself):
“Why + What + How”
- Why: “I’m sharing this because I want both of us to feel safe and comfortable.”
- What: “I have epilepsy, which means I sometimes have seizures.”
- How: “If that happens, here’s what helps — and here’s what doesn’t.”
This structure keeps the conversation grounded in collaboration, not pity. It invites curiosity and respect rather than awkwardness or fear.
2. Humor as a Connection Tool
Humor is my secret weapon. My disability sometimes makes people nervous; a well-placed joke breaks the tension and humanizes the experience.
I’ve said things like:
“If I zone out mid-story, don’t worry — it’s just a neurological remix.”
Humor can’t erase discomfort, but it can bridge connection. It signals that I’ve made peace with this part of myself — and that my date can relax, too.
3. When Disability Changes During a Relationship
Not everyone enters a relationship already living with a disability. Sometimes, disability arrives partway through — and that can reshape how both partners relate to each other.
That was my experience. My epilepsy wasn’t always part of my identity; it became part of my story later in life. That shift was complicated — for me and for people I cared about. Suddenly, relationships that once ran on spontaneity needed new rhythms. I learned to communicate differently, to ask for help when I would’ve once pushed through, and to let go of guilt around the ways I had to adapt.
For couples, this can be a major transition. A few guiding principles I often share in therapy:
- Grieve the changes together. It’s okay to miss how things used to be — acknowledging that loss actually brings you closer.
- Stay curious, not critical. Ask what your partner needs now, not what they “should” be able to do.
- Redefine intimacy. Shared care, trust, and humor can become powerful new expressions of closeness.
Disability isn’t the end of connection — it’s an invitation to build a new kind of honesty together.
4. Communication Tools That Strengthen Relationships
Even after the dating stage, chronic illness can complicate relationships in unique ways. Fatigue, unpredictability, or pain flares can derail plans, intimacy, or emotional connection.
Here are a few therapist-approved tools:
Reflective Listening (Even When You’re Frustrated)
Instead of defensively explaining, try:
“I hear that you’re disappointed I had to cancel tonight. I feel frustrated too — I wanted to go.”
That simple validation keeps both people feeling seen, not blamed.
Collaborative Planning
For couples managing disability or chronic illness, I often suggest creating a “flexible care plan” — a shared understanding about what helps during flare-ups, what communication looks like, and how each partner can ask for support without guilt.
Reframing
When your body sets limits, it’s easy to feel like you’re the “problem.” But in truth, accessibility is a relationship skill. Being able to adapt, listen, and care creatively for each other builds emotional intimacy far beyond what “perfect health” ever could.
5. Redefining What Makes a Relationship “Healthy”
Our culture loves tidy definitions of romance — candlelit dinners, spontaneous adventures, endless energy. For people with disabilities, that script often doesn’t fit. But here’s the twist: we’re experts in intentionality.
When you live with a body that demands awareness, communication, and flexibility, you end up building relationships that are often deeper, more honest, and more sustainable.
You don’t have to apologize for needing naps, adjustments, or slower pacing. You’re modeling care and humanity — and that’s pretty irresistible.
6. When Dating Fatigue Hits
Sometimes dating with a disability feels like a part-time job with no HR department. Take breaks when you need them. Refill your emotional tank with people who “get it” — whether that’s friends, a support group, or a therapist who understands chronic illness from the inside.
(Hi, that’s me.)
Closing Thoughts
Dating while disabled isn’t about finding someone who “doesn’t mind” your condition. It’s about finding someone who values your wholeness — the resilience, humor, and depth that come from living in partnership with your body.
Love doesn’t have to look like the rom-com version. Sometimes it’s takeout on flare days, laughter through uncertainty, and a partner who knows where you keep the emergency meds.
And honestly? That kind of love is the real thing.
About Abby Feinstein
I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at Ancora Wellness in Hillsboro, Oregon, offering therapy for individuals and couples navigating chronic illness, disability, epilepsy, and life transitions.
Whether you’re dating, partnered, or figuring out how to love yourself through it all — I’m here to help you build relationships rooted in communication, care, and humor.
Offering in-person therapy in Hillsboro and virtual therapy throughout Oregon.
Learn more or schedule a session at Ancora Wellness.
